Fair warning on this one, it’s likely going to end up being a very candid look into my very (and I mean very) messed up psyche.
Prior to ever becoming pregnant, I, like many other people (this is largely an assumption) thought that pregnancy was all strange cravings, swollen ankles, and lots of people rubbing your belly while offering congratulatory sentiments. While these are certainly a part of the miracle that is growing a human being inside yourself, it’s definitely not all. Mood swings and depression are two other very real portions of that same miracle.
For those of you who know me personally, you know that I struggle with my temper; largely, controlling it. This, and yelling far too often are traits that have in all likelihood have been passed down to me from my “Maternal Unit” (kudos to my Aunt Karren for that lovely term, which so aptly describes the woman who brought me into this world). Eventually, I may get into my issues with said woman, however now I’m going to be selfish and talk about me a bit more; it is, after all my blog. My temper and yelling issues are problems, which thankfully, Adrian has been all too willing to help me work through. No one else can calm me down or make me see reason again like he can. However, with all the extra hormones brought on with pregnancy, I’m slowly starting to lose my grip on them again. Which, you guessed it, is resulting in more yelling in my home. Not exactly the environment I like to have for Hunter, and certainly not one that I want the new little guy to experience. Yes, raising your voice at your kids is sometimes necessary, but it really shouldn’t be the go-to method for getting your point across. This is where I am right now. Every little irritant, whine, or refusal from my son makes me want to explode. Which isn’t fair to him at all. It’s not his fault that the added hormones combined with the raging amount of pain from my hips is causing me to become a psychopath. Definitely something that needs working on. Thankfully, I have my stoic fiancé to help with it; a fact which never ceases to amaze me.
In recent weeks, I’ve also been almost completely overcome by feelings of not contributing enough. My Obstetrician put me off work almost 3 weeks ago, which was supported by my Physiotherapist, however now I’m not bringing anything in financially, and physically I’m limited as to what I can and cannot do. I know that they put me off work for a reason, and that I should take this time to rest, but I also feel like since I’m not helping to support our family from a monetary standpoint right now, that I should be picking up the slack domestically. The only problem with that, is the fact that standing for more than 5-10 minutes causes excruciating pain in my hips/pelvis and sitting for more than 15 minutes does the same. My saviour right now as far as that goes, is the Lazy-Z-Boy in our living room. Being able to recline, makes a world of difference, and also, because it’s so big, I can shift positions often. More like laying down than anything else, which is good, since laying down is the only real position that I can find any measure of comfort in. But I digress, this feeling just won’t quit. It also makes me feel as though I’m putting too much pressure on Adrian, which just makes me want to do more around the house, which inevitably ends up with me curled into a ball in tears from the pain that I pushed through to make sure everything around the house was done. What a vicious cycle.
Which brings me to my next “feel”; anxiety. My stress level is through the roof right now. From worrying about money, to the holidays, and being ready for baby (including the inevitable labour) I’ve had more panic attacks in the past 2 weeks than I have ever before. It’s as if I want the time to go by faster so I can meet my new son and be done with all the issues brought on by pregnancy, but at the same time, I really want time to slow down because I don’t know if I’m ready for all the changes that this will bring.
These are just some examples of what I’m going through mentally right now. It’s certainly not everything, and for the record, I’m not trying to throw a pity party. My hope with this is to make people realize that you may seem fine, and yet be struggling with something internally. If you, or someone you care about is struggling, please try to listen, and offer any support you can. Direct them to any local programs or assistance that may be available. Do not let those close to you suffer in silence.