Today at Counselling, Katherine mentioned something that I said last session and had completely forgotten to write about!
The Blog is one of my outlets. When I write posts, I’m having a heart to heart with one of my best friends, but I’m also sharing everything with a perfect stranger. It’s like telling everyone and no one at the same time.
Sometimes I’m so profound that I even impress myself.
Today we talked about that, and also how telling these deep dark secrets makes them lose their power over me. It’s cathartic, because now other people know what happened; when you share your pain it takes a huge weight off and allows you to move forward. At least it does for me.
It also lets me be the most authentic me possible. Being so open and honest means I don’t have to hide behind the mask of what people expect me to be. Although with that being said, I’ve never been able to fool Adrian. Right from Day 1, he saw Me and has never been afraid to call me out if he thinks I’m trying to play a part. It’s one of my favourite things about him.
I’d apologize, but we all know that eventually I’ll disappear for a few days again and it’ll be all for nothing. Don’t apologize unless you’re willing to change.
The past week has been spent trying to slowly catch up on housework. It’s a delicate balance that will probably never come to me without lots of effort. There have also been lots of appointments. Like, TONNES.
In true Thursday fashion, my liver has decided that tonight is as good a night as any to work, and I have another new drink to try!
Earlier in the week, Adrian came home with a MadJack Summer Variety pack! It had the Root Beer (already a winner as we have established), an Apple Lager and a Ginger Flavoured Lager. Tonight’s pick is the Ginger Lager.
It’s not bad. It’s not great either, but what can you do? It reminds me of Canada Dry mixed with Vodka, which is one of my favourite mixed drinks, so I guess it can’t be that bad! A little on the weak side of things, but it’ll do the trick!
If you’re real good, make be tomorrow I’ll make muffins!
It’s been a whole week since I planted the seeds for the Balcony Garden, and I am absolutely thrilled to tell you that they are doing splendidly!!!
The peat pots are distributed as follows: 6 Baby Watermelon, 5 each of Bush Beefsteak Tomatoes and Bonny Best Tomatoes, and 9 each of Green Beans, Cucumbers, Carrots, and Buttercrunch Lettuce.
All of the Lettuce is sprouting, AND there are at least 3 different pots with sprouts for everything else except the Baby Watermelon; those I feel will take longer.
To say that I’m excited is a bit of an understatement! This is the first time ever that I’ve successfully started anything like this on my own!!! *For the record the Avocado tree was a combined effort from the start*
If you don’t know about that then here’s an off-topic tale for you:
Adrian and I decided to try and grow an Avocado tree from an Avocado I bought from Sobeys. It seemed like an easy, yet interesting thing to do, but it’s been quite the experience! We started it about 3 years ago, and now it’s taller than Adrian!
I’ll keep posting weekly updates on the Balcony Garden, so start watching for that on Mondays!!!
Seems the ol’ blog has been about being not-ok this week.
Since being trendy is at the top of my priority list, let’s continue on; shall we?
My Mom-Guilt is EXTRA loud today, combined with an inexpressible urge for solitude, and a strange rawness that’s basically put me to the end of my rope with everything.
No patience. Temper flaring at the drop of a hat. Overwhelming shame for feeling like this in the first place. I have reached capacity.
Maybe I need a hot bath. Perhaps a book. Possibly some liquor. Probably all three at once, who am I kidding?
Time to take a break.
I busted out You Are Here and coloured for a bit, we had a family dinner (with me working every evening during the week it doesn’t happen often anymore) and then Adrian and I watched Why Him after the kids were in bed.
While this didn’t make everything perfect, it helped. That’s all I needed it to do.
A lot of times, it’s hard to be honest if you’re not okay. I know I tell dozens of people every day that I’m great, but it’s not always the entire truth.
Some things are also easier to explain than others, not only because most things are subjective in the first place, but because some things aren’t quantifiable.
No matter how common your ailments or how rare, everyone experiences things differently.
Today I’m not pretending. It’s not a good day. There aren’t enough Spoons, and the right side of my lower body can’t decide if it wants to tingle and go numb or scream in pain. I’d rather neither, but something tells me that my body doesn’t give a fuck about my opinion.
C’est la vie, I guess. Let’s just get today over with.
When you have any kind of mental illness, there are good days and bad days; obviously this happens to everyone but it seems like those of us with mental illness feel the difference more acutely.
If you’re not familiar with Spoon Theory feel free to check it out, because it’s a helpful way to explain things on bad days. Props go to The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson) for educating me on the subject.
Sometimes I go so long between my mini-bouts of depression, that it almost seems to have disappeared. But like glitter, there’s always more hiding somewhere.
Luckily I’m able to recognize the signs and can ration out my spoons as required to help me not fall as far down the Pit of Despair. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. Not by a long shot, but most things worthwhile challenge you to meet them head-on.
I still fall into the Pit of Despair on a semi-regular basis; the cocktail of issues going on in my head make sure of that, but knowing yourself and being kind to yourself are two of the best strategies that I’ve found.
My Counselor Katherine often talks about capacity, and how we can only handle so much before everything starts to spill over and you lose control. She tells me to make time for myself and to make myself a priority. I emphasized the words because she does too.
As something a little different, I have a challenge for all of you; try to following Katherine’s advice, and see if it helps you as much as it helps me.
Today I didn’t have many spoons, so I watched some TV and had a nap with Dorian instead of cleaning the bathrooms.
I know I’ve been kinda ranty lately, but some things have been pissing me off too much to stay quiet.
Here it comes.
TAKE SOME FUCKING PRIDE IN YOUR WORK!!!
This applies to everyone, in all situations. Whether you’re working for money, as part of a trade, or volunteering your time, give it your all.
There are some days when 2pm hits and I really don’t want to go to work, but I go and I give it 100%. Even if my mind wants to be elsewhere, from 5-9pm it’s work time, and the mind has no choice. Sure I goof off sometimes, but we all do that, and the vast majority of us make sure that work gets done first.
It doesn’t just impact your own performance either, it affects those around you. If one person gets away with less than their best effort, more often than not, others will notice and not want to work as hard to match the efforts of their peers. I’ve seen it happen in more than one workplace.
Even if you hate your job, remember that your work is a direct reflection of the image you portray to the world.