Trapped in my own head

Seems the ol’ blog has been about being not-ok this week. 

Since being trendy is at the top of my priority list, let’s continue on; shall we?

My Mom-Guilt is EXTRA loud today, combined with an inexpressible urge for solitude, and a strange rawness that’s basically put me to the end of my rope with everything. 

No patience. Temper flaring at the drop of a hat. Overwhelming shame for feeling like this in the first place. I have​ reached capacity.

Maybe I need a hot bath. Perhaps a book. Possibly some liquor. Probably all three at once, who am I kidding? 

Time to take a break. 

~R

*UPDATE*

I busted out You Are Here and coloured for a bit, we had a family dinner (with me working every evening during the week it doesn’t happen often anymore) and then Adrian and I watched Why Him after the kids were in bed. 

While this didn’t make everything perfect, it helped. That’s all I needed it to do. 

~R

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Another day, another rant

I know I’ve been kinda ranty lately, but some things have been pissing me off too much to stay quiet. 

Here it comes. 

TAKE SOME FUCKING PRIDE IN YOUR WORK!!! 

This applies to everyone, in all situations. Whether you’re working for money, as part of a trade, or volunteering your time, give it your all. 

Seriously. 

There are some days when 2pm hits and I really don’t want to go to work, but I go and I give it 100%. Even if my mind wants to be elsewhere, from 5-9pm it’s work time, and the mind has no choice. Sure I goof off sometimes, but we all do that, and the vast majority of us make sure that work gets done first. 

It doesn’t just impact your own performance either, it affects those around you. If one person gets away with less than their best effort, more often than not, others will notice and not want to work as hard to match the efforts of their peers. I’ve seen it happen in more than one workplace.

Even if you hate your job, remember that your work is a direct reflection of the image you portray to the world. 

Just try folks, it won’t kill you. 

~R

Finding distractions

Sometimes the only real way you have to cope is to not cope at all, and just distract yourself. 

That’s what I’ve been doing the past two days. Friday taught me a valuable lesson: 

It is unwise to book back to back Psych appointments in the same day. 

My Counseling session was immediately following the appointment that Adrian and I went to about Hunter. 

I’ve been kind of a jumbled up mess of emotion since then. 

Last night, once I had stopped debating the merits of self-lobotomy as a result of a ridiculous headache, it seemed to be a good time to start working on some of the more tedious wedding tasks. Now I sit at my dining room table with a small box stuffed with monogrammed envelopes which will be turned into the favours

Hand Monogrammed by Moi on envelopes made from recycled craft paper

I also destroyed a 336 page book in less than 48 hours while making sure that my kids didn’t die. I am a goddamn superhero! 

Real life resumes tomorrow, but I’m very grateful for my much-needed distractions.

~R

FACEBOOK! 

If you’ve been my friend on Facebook for longer than 6 months then you probably noticed that I was very active with my profile, and then basically disappeared sometime around the beginning of November. 

Since I’m not a douchebag, there were no posts explaining my lack of posts. And that’s not what this is either. This is more of a PSA. 

I have Facebook. I do not go on Facebook. 

The purpose of my Facebook is to keep up with my co-op shopping, and still have a way to keep in touch with a good portion of people that I have met in my life. Also to share my blog to a bigger audience! 

So just keep in mind, if you “like” my posts or comment on them, I probably won’t see it for a while. Feel free to comment on the blog itself though! I’m always happy to hear what you think!

~R

Unbalanced in more way than one! 

It’s no secret that I’m more than a little neurotic about the cleanliness of our apartment. 

Pretty much every single one of my friends has told me more than once that they come to visit me, not the space ​I live in. My stress persists. 

Being back to work makes things a little more interesting; there are now roughly 5 hours less in which to accomplish all that needs to be done. 

Do I clean the bathrooms, or do I dance to Justin Timberlake with the kids in the living room? 

Both? 

I wish I had the time. Maybe I’ll get better at this balancing act eventually. In the meantime, LETS DANCE! 

~R 

Weird driving habits: In the snow

Sometimes when I get anxious driving, I turn on some Heavy Metal and it makes me feel better. 

Usually I’m not really much of a Metallica fan (PLEASE DON’T HATE ME) but there’s something about Enter Sandman while in a blizzard that soothes me. 

On the topic on snow; Adrian told me once that there comes a point when the roads are bad enough that I become a really good driver. 

I was insulted at first. 

And then enraged. 

And then I decided that he meant it as a compliment and I should stop overreacting and just accept it. 

Besides, how much more fun can you have than driving a Standard in the snow? 

~R 

Sanity? What’s that?

Everyone told me that having another kid would change things a lot, but even the advanced knowledge couldn’t really prepare me for the reality of our new dynamic. Newborns are a time suck to begin with, but with an older child and a partner to pay attention to as well, sometimes I feel like butter scraped over too much bread (yes, I just made a LOTR reference, deal with it). With the possibility of Post-Partum Depression being quite high, I started looking into coping methods, and other various things that could potentially help me stay afloat; well, as close as possible with two kids and questionable sanity to begin with. In my research, several things were found, and I find myself putting a good many of them to use daily. Because some of them have worked so well for me, I thought I’d share. Partially because I’m proud of how well I’m doing mentally, and also because if I can help even one person feel a little better, it’ll be worth it.

For me, the cleanliness of our home can be a huge stress factor. And who likes stress? Nobody, that’s who. Cleaning in little bursts has now become one of my favourite ways to decompress! It’s truly amazing how much a made bed and a tidy kitchen can do for mental health! Keeping Hunter’s toys limited to his room is a big help as well, since it means I’m not picking them up constantly. If he wants to have his bedroom be a Lego minefield, that’s his prerogative. I’m also very fortunate that Adrian is alright with doing a very important chore that I utterly loathe; vacuuming. Don’t ask me why, but I would rather scrub both bathrooms with a toothbrush than vacuum the living room.

Another thing that seems to work to keep me nice and calm is washing my face in the morning and evening. I’m sure that sounds ridiculous, but following my skin care regime (Dermalogica fan girl here) gives me a little bit of time for myself that only involves me. Less than 5 minutes, twice a day has made me a much happier person, plus my acne is under much better control. Now, if only I could master the ability to shower more than once every 3-4 days, that would be something!

Lastly, reading. Books have always been my escape, from the time I learned how do read. There’s something truly magnificent about immersing yourself into a world that only exists on paper. I’m even in a book club on Facebook, with several lovely ladies who all have varying tastes and opinions. They bring me out of my literary shell and get me reading things that in all likelihood, would have been left on the shelf if left to my own devices. The fact that all of our discussions and decision making is done online really helps, because now with both boys, I’m pretty much a certifiable hermit.

Those are a few of the things I do to keep my head on straight, but let’s be very clear here, they don’t always work, and there are times when nothing helps but a good, cathartic cry session. You can be doing fine, however, there are going to be days when fine isn’t quite enough. Stay positive, text your friends, call your parents, and hug those precious babies.